"HELLdin the Evil (but pleasant) Destroyer!"
This is HELLdin (she added the extra ‘L’ to drive terror into the hearts of those who hear her name!) She is ‘HELLdin the EVIL (but pleasant) DESTROYER’ with her ever faithful fiend Schnecke, carrying her weapon of choice, MeisterfröhlichHenkersbeil. (now does this mean HELLdin is evil and destroy things, or does it mean she destroys evil?
Hmmmm....something to contemplate....)
BUT, fear not, I will explain so there is no need to contemplate or even plate contemp(t)...whatever that means....Yeh!
Anyway, she destroys evil whenever and wherever she comes upon it.
How, you ask? Because, she IS evil (not really, she only thinks she’s a bad arse, and what you think, so you are) herself. It takes evil to defeat evil. Ask anyone (or not).
So, you would think that would be an oxymoron (or maybe just a Oxygenated moron writing this), that if she is evil then she would have to destroy herself. This is true but, she only destroys herself little by little thus she is able to make war upon the ultimate of evils...EVIL ITSELF!
Now, you may wonder what evil weapon would work against EVIL ITSELF (other than, of course, MeisterfröhlichHenkersbeil.) The answer is simple. Truth. The evil truth. No one likes the truth. The truth is evil. No one wishes to face the truth except...
‘HELLdin the EVIL (but pleasant) DESTROYER!’
Anyway, let me describe her magnificence *some pertinent epic movie type music equal to HELLdin’s magnificence occurs here, if you can't hear it, it may be because your browser cannot support it, or it may not be there in the first place, so just hum something evil sounding*..
She is MAGNIFICENT!
‘Nuf said.
Stay tuned for the exciting adventures of...
‘HELLdin the EVIL (but pleasant) DESTROYER!’
(If you notice, in the picture above, Schnecke has a black eye. A battle wound, most likely, and not from anyone poking at it to see how cleverly he can retract them....)
Dis claimer- This is entirely a work of fiction.
All characters appearing in this work are facticious.
Names, nations, dimensions, planets, etc. are used fictitiously.
Any resemblance to actual events, locales, humans, individuals,
tea, animals (real or make-believe) a live or de ceased, is entirely coincidental.
Again, any likeness to corporal or artificial persons, living, dead or inbetween, is purely fortuitous.
The following is not intended as a substitute for any medical advice.
The reader should regularly consult a physician in matters relating to his/her/it’s health and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention from the reading of this.
Warning- Extremely bad puns and tasteless quips ahead! Facepalm and moans inevitable! Read at your own risk.
Hmmmm....something to contemplate....)
BUT, fear not, I will explain so there is no need to contemplate or even plate contemp(t)...whatever that means....Yeh!
Anyway, she destroys evil whenever and wherever she comes upon it.
How, you ask? Because, she IS evil (not really, she only thinks she’s a bad arse, and what you think, so you are) herself. It takes evil to defeat evil. Ask anyone (or not).
So, you would think that would be an oxymoron (or maybe just a Oxygenated moron writing this), that if she is evil then she would have to destroy herself. This is true but, she only destroys herself little by little thus she is able to make war upon the ultimate of evils...EVIL ITSELF!
Now, you may wonder what evil weapon would work against EVIL ITSELF (other than, of course, MeisterfröhlichHenkersbeil.) The answer is simple. Truth. The evil truth. No one likes the truth. The truth is evil. No one wishes to face the truth except...
‘HELLdin the EVIL (but pleasant) DESTROYER!’
Anyway, let me describe her magnificence *some pertinent epic movie type music equal to HELLdin’s magnificence occurs here, if you can't hear it, it may be because your browser cannot support it, or it may not be there in the first place, so just hum something evil sounding*..
She is MAGNIFICENT!
‘Nuf said.
Stay tuned for the exciting adventures of...
‘HELLdin the EVIL (but pleasant) DESTROYER!’
(If you notice, in the picture above, Schnecke has a black eye. A battle wound, most likely, and not from anyone poking at it to see how cleverly he can retract them....)
Dis claimer- This is entirely a work of fiction.
All characters appearing in this work are facticious.
Names, nations, dimensions, planets, etc. are used fictitiously.
Any resemblance to actual events, locales, humans, individuals,
tea, animals (real or make-believe) a live or de ceased, is entirely coincidental.
Again, any likeness to corporal or artificial persons, living, dead or inbetween, is purely fortuitous.
The following is not intended as a substitute for any medical advice.
The reader should regularly consult a physician in matters relating to his/her/it’s health and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention from the reading of this.
Warning- Extremely bad puns and tasteless quips ahead! Facepalm and moans inevitable! Read at your own risk.
+ + +
Day one in the life of.....’HELLdin the EVIL (but pleasant) DESTROYER!'
It is morning, and HELLdin (I will dismiss with the ominous background music and the Evil [but pleasant] Destroyer part, as it is indisputably obvious by the wrathful look on her face) has either recently returned from destroying evil somewhere in the world, or has just finished breakfast, and was cleaning Blut and/or Erdbeerkonfitüre off of MeisterfröhlichHenkersbeil.
Or something like that.
Stay tuned for the next exciting adventure of (*dum dum dummmmmb*!)
‘HELLdin the EVIL (but pleasant) DESTROYER!’
.....or not.
It is morning, and HELLdin (I will dismiss with the ominous background music and the Evil [but pleasant] Destroyer part, as it is indisputably obvious by the wrathful look on her face) has either recently returned from destroying evil somewhere in the world, or has just finished breakfast, and was cleaning Blut and/or Erdbeerkonfitüre off of MeisterfröhlichHenkersbeil.
Or something like that.
Stay tuned for the next exciting adventure of (*dum dum dummmmmb*!)
‘HELLdin the EVIL (but pleasant) DESTROYER!’
.....or not.
+ + +
Feuerwerkz!
‘HELLdin the Evil Destroyer’ (insert appropriate background music, perhaps the star-spangled-banner or not) went to a fireworks display at the riverbank....needless to say, it did not begin nor end, well. Weapons were not allowed and of course there was a ‘scuffle’ as they attempted, and succeeded, in taking away MeisterfröhlichHenkersbeil. HELLdin tried to explain she was only there to enjoy the fireworks and destroy any evil that might be about (of course it did not help when she attacked a large fire hose, mistaking it for a river monster [she does so enjoy that particular reality show] ready to wreak havoc on the festivities.)
The authorities felt it necessary to ‘restrain’ her until the ‘medics’ could arrive to take her to ‘hospital’.
Schnecke went quietly without need of restraints.
And so ends another exciting adventure in the life of-
‘HELLdin the EVIL (but pleasant) DESTROYER!’
‘HELLdin the Evil Destroyer’ (insert appropriate background music, perhaps the star-spangled-banner or not) went to a fireworks display at the riverbank....needless to say, it did not begin nor end, well. Weapons were not allowed and of course there was a ‘scuffle’ as they attempted, and succeeded, in taking away MeisterfröhlichHenkersbeil. HELLdin tried to explain she was only there to enjoy the fireworks and destroy any evil that might be about (of course it did not help when she attacked a large fire hose, mistaking it for a river monster [she does so enjoy that particular reality show] ready to wreak havoc on the festivities.)
The authorities felt it necessary to ‘restrain’ her until the ‘medics’ could arrive to take her to ‘hospital’.
Schnecke went quietly without need of restraints.
And so ends another exciting adventure in the life of-
‘HELLdin the EVIL (but pleasant) DESTROYER!’
+ + +
HELLdin was invited to attend the annual "Berserkers, Avengers and Other People Who Battle Evil Good and Also Like Tea" banquet.
It was quite the hoity-toity affair and HELLdin was excited about it because ‘HE’ would be there.
She needed to look her very best, and after checking in her wardrobe, nope, nothing there, a trip to the Monroeville Mall would be in order.
She needed to look her very best, and after checking in her wardrobe, nope, nothing there, a trip to the Monroeville Mall would be in order.
Schnecke decided to remain at home as he was not fond of human/snail interactions. Anyway, the shop proprietors complained about their customers slipping and falling on his ‘Snail Trail’ and said they could no longer afford anymore lawsuits.
Schnecke knew the real reason was just a clear case of Gastropodigotry.
So off HELLdin went. Alone.
Schnecke knew the real reason was just a clear case of Gastropodigotry.
So off HELLdin went. Alone.
She had jut finished shopping, and as she exited "Barbarians R Us", she noticed a shop clerk being attacked by, yes, a zombie.
She went to his aid, a violent scuffle ensued, ending in what else? HELLdin being escorted to hospital by those nice men in white coats. Again.
Stay tuned for the upcoming event in the further exciting adventures of
‘HELLdin the EVIL (but pleasant) DESTROYER!’
She went to his aid, a violent scuffle ensued, ending in what else? HELLdin being escorted to hospital by those nice men in white coats. Again.
Stay tuned for the upcoming event in the further exciting adventures of
‘HELLdin the EVIL (but pleasant) DESTROYER!’
+ + +
HELLdin was so excited she barely slept and arose bright and early to prepare for the Banquet.
She helped Schnecke polish his snail maille. When dressed, they hopped into her Bat-tle-mobile and took off, her excitement building at every turn in the road.
She helped Schnecke polish his snail maille. When dressed, they hopped into her Bat-tle-mobile and took off, her excitement building at every turn in the road.
As she entered the banquet hall, HELLdin glanced around the room to see who was in attendance.
Seated at the Tea Bar is ‘Mlle. Maque ‘the knife’ Inbaque’.
As her name denotes, she keeps her weapon concealed behind her back at all times,
that is, before sinking it in someone elses.
She is more so an Ass-ass-in than an actual heroin. Oops, forgot the ‘e’ which makes
it a completely different subject altogether.
Her face is rarely seen, as she stealthily sneaks up from behind to insert the blade, so no one
knows her true identity.
Flanking her, and to the left is ‘Death Maul the Disruptive but not necessarily, Destroyer’
His battle cry "May the Farce be with you!’
He fights the doldrums and spreads humour where there is none.
He uses his weapon of choice, the ‘Right Saver’, which releases a specific high frequency sound wave known to increase the illusive laughter endorphin, he then makes a witty riposte with tongue and blade, lightening the act of over-seriousness which sometimes leads to quarrels.
Over to the right of Mlle. is ‘Sir Seymour Chapbottom the Third’
An Irishman (HELLdin finds it amusing when he announces himself with his endearing brogue), he fights the evil that causes ‘rash’ behavior.
Because he has known ‘rashiness’ he knows how to deal with it by using soothing words as his salve of protection for those in distress.
Babies and the elderly are particularly at the mercy of rashness and they ‘depend’ on their hero, Sir Chapbottom.
When words are not enough to calm the soreness of ‘rash’ behavior, he has resorted to using his
actual weapon, but only the ‘butt’ of his pistol, as he does not believe in using bullets as they tend to leave bloody holes in things....and people. Literally.
At the Sweets Buffet stands ‘The Mysterious Warrior of Mysteriousness’
Very little is known about the Mysterious Warrior of Mysteriousness because he is just so mystifyingly mysterious.
Next to him, there be ‘MadMadigan the Merciless’ Arrr!
She claims she ‘sails’ several seas (or perhaps 'Cs' as in Cognac, or maybe just a puddle in the gutter) fighting the evils of alcohol wherever she finds it, by drinking it herself.
Thus, she is rarely sober enough to be effective in combat and resorts to fighting off pink elephants and passing out.
At the end of the table is ‘The Professor of Pandemonic Pain and his AssIstant Fankie Gore’
The Professor chiefly feels the need to protect small animals and electrical devices...or was that to
use small animals ‘as’ electrical devices, wiring them, then sending them into evil lairs undetected and causing havoc to the enemie’s grid mainframe.
Frankie Gor, his faithful AssIstant,.actually prefers picking flowers with small children and making friends with the local villagers, although they have a fetish for coming at him with torches and pitchforks. Rather kinky. He blames it on the popularity of the book ‘50 Shades of Grey’.
On the opposite side of the table stands‘Olaf the Awful’
He goes berserk when people leave out the ‘l’ in his first name. In fact, one of the banquet servers, Waiter Gwarçon (they all wore name tags, as did the attendees), while attempting to replenish the Sweets Buffet with a cherry pie, called him ‘Oaf the Offal’ (poor man, he had an accent of some sort), then tried to explain and repeated it several times which only drove Olaf even more crazed, like a frenzied cannibal (which his ‘tribe’ no longer practiced, might I add).
Needless to say, there was nothing left of the cherry pie Waiter Gwarçon had been carrying.
I suggested Olaf just eat the remains and then wipe the ‘evidence’ from his blade....and face...and beard. The matter was quickly and discreetly, ahem, 'done away with'. *wink wink*
And having just entered the Hall HELLdin notices ‘FarLich the Formidable, fresh from the Fray’
Although weapons are not a necessity (he uses spells most of the time) he still carries an axe, and a whip which is used primarily to keep his diminutive ally, Teufelkatze in line.
FarLich has never been defeated, even death fears his name.
When he expels, er, casts his most powerful spell, the ‘Never-ending Bag of Wind’, he blasts foes (and anything else in the line of cast) with a stream of hot air and sarcasm.
Very impressive unless you are the unfortunate that it is cast upon, as it is extremely difficult to avoid and once started, as the spell is so named, is continuous until the enemy falls and begs for mercy.
Seated at the Tea Bar is ‘Mlle. Maque ‘the knife’ Inbaque’.
As her name denotes, she keeps her weapon concealed behind her back at all times,
that is, before sinking it in someone elses.
She is more so an Ass-ass-in than an actual heroin. Oops, forgot the ‘e’ which makes
it a completely different subject altogether.
Her face is rarely seen, as she stealthily sneaks up from behind to insert the blade, so no one
knows her true identity.
Flanking her, and to the left is ‘Death Maul the Disruptive but not necessarily, Destroyer’
His battle cry "May the Farce be with you!’
He fights the doldrums and spreads humour where there is none.
He uses his weapon of choice, the ‘Right Saver’, which releases a specific high frequency sound wave known to increase the illusive laughter endorphin, he then makes a witty riposte with tongue and blade, lightening the act of over-seriousness which sometimes leads to quarrels.
Over to the right of Mlle. is ‘Sir Seymour Chapbottom the Third’
An Irishman (HELLdin finds it amusing when he announces himself with his endearing brogue), he fights the evil that causes ‘rash’ behavior.
Because he has known ‘rashiness’ he knows how to deal with it by using soothing words as his salve of protection for those in distress.
Babies and the elderly are particularly at the mercy of rashness and they ‘depend’ on their hero, Sir Chapbottom.
When words are not enough to calm the soreness of ‘rash’ behavior, he has resorted to using his
actual weapon, but only the ‘butt’ of his pistol, as he does not believe in using bullets as they tend to leave bloody holes in things....and people. Literally.
At the Sweets Buffet stands ‘The Mysterious Warrior of Mysteriousness’
Very little is known about the Mysterious Warrior of Mysteriousness because he is just so mystifyingly mysterious.
Next to him, there be ‘MadMadigan the Merciless’ Arrr!
She claims she ‘sails’ several seas (or perhaps 'Cs' as in Cognac, or maybe just a puddle in the gutter) fighting the evils of alcohol wherever she finds it, by drinking it herself.
Thus, she is rarely sober enough to be effective in combat and resorts to fighting off pink elephants and passing out.
At the end of the table is ‘The Professor of Pandemonic Pain and his AssIstant Fankie Gore’
The Professor chiefly feels the need to protect small animals and electrical devices...or was that to
use small animals ‘as’ electrical devices, wiring them, then sending them into evil lairs undetected and causing havoc to the enemie’s grid mainframe.
Frankie Gor, his faithful AssIstant,.actually prefers picking flowers with small children and making friends with the local villagers, although they have a fetish for coming at him with torches and pitchforks. Rather kinky. He blames it on the popularity of the book ‘50 Shades of Grey’.
On the opposite side of the table stands‘Olaf the Awful’
He goes berserk when people leave out the ‘l’ in his first name. In fact, one of the banquet servers, Waiter Gwarçon (they all wore name tags, as did the attendees), while attempting to replenish the Sweets Buffet with a cherry pie, called him ‘Oaf the Offal’ (poor man, he had an accent of some sort), then tried to explain and repeated it several times which only drove Olaf even more crazed, like a frenzied cannibal (which his ‘tribe’ no longer practiced, might I add).
Needless to say, there was nothing left of the cherry pie Waiter Gwarçon had been carrying.
I suggested Olaf just eat the remains and then wipe the ‘evidence’ from his blade....and face...and beard. The matter was quickly and discreetly, ahem, 'done away with'. *wink wink*
And having just entered the Hall HELLdin notices ‘FarLich the Formidable, fresh from the Fray’
Although weapons are not a necessity (he uses spells most of the time) he still carries an axe, and a whip which is used primarily to keep his diminutive ally, Teufelkatze in line.
FarLich has never been defeated, even death fears his name.
When he expels, er, casts his most powerful spell, the ‘Never-ending Bag of Wind’, he blasts foes (and anything else in the line of cast) with a stream of hot air and sarcasm.
Very impressive unless you are the unfortunate that it is cast upon, as it is extremely difficult to avoid and once started, as the spell is so named, is continuous until the enemy falls and begs for mercy.
There was live music this year by a group commonly known as 'The King of Clones’.
Actually, they called themselves "Elvis to the Power of Six’ or Elvis, Elvis, Elvis, Elvis, Elvis and Elvis.
They were quite good. Some attendees danced, others watched the performance and some remained at the bar.
All was going quite swimmingly until......
To be continued......
Actually, they called themselves "Elvis to the Power of Six’ or Elvis, Elvis, Elvis, Elvis, Elvis and Elvis.
They were quite good. Some attendees danced, others watched the performance and some remained at the bar.
All was going quite swimmingly until......
To be continued......
+ + +
.....continuation-
It was inevitable.
The uninvited enter the banquet hall.
Those nasty no-goodniks, the EVILES (kind of like the XFiles only VILE and Evil....
well, actually nothing like the XFiles at all, I just thought I’d throw that in because it
sounded good, er, evile), led by the magician of mayhem, the warlock of woe, the wizard of wickedness himself, Lard Moldewart!!!
It was inevitable.
The uninvited enter the banquet hall.
Those nasty no-goodniks, the EVILES (kind of like the XFiles only VILE and Evil....
well, actually nothing like the XFiles at all, I just thought I’d throw that in because it
sounded good, er, evile), led by the magician of mayhem, the warlock of woe, the wizard of wickedness himself, Lard Moldewart!!!
Lard Moldewart, expatriot of the ‘Benevolent Order Of Butt Savers’ (from here on shall be referred to as the ‘B.O.O.B.S.’) to which all our heroic evil fighters belong, turned to the ‘Larp Side’ after being incessantly teased by most of his fellow B.O.O.B.S. due to a rather large, angry wart on his right ear, as well as being a size chubby-plus at the time.
His Lardship has since slimmed down, but chose that name so when he wreaks his revenge, they know from whence it came.
He travels with his faithful companion Limacé, a gorgeous gastropod (at least by gastropodial standards, and yes, I know that is not a real word. I made it up) and once upon a time sweetheart of one Schnecke Armkachel. (Bet you didn’t know Schnecke had a last name. How else do you think he would get a drivers license if he didn’t?!)
The ‘B.O.O.B.S.’ are now Lard Moldewart’s sworn enemies and he has gathered about him a band of ne’er-do-wells known as the ‘Extremely Vile, Ill-tempered Lawlessly Evil’ or just The EVILES for short (evile’s’ being the plural of evile).
His Lardship has since slimmed down, but chose that name so when he wreaks his revenge, they know from whence it came.
He travels with his faithful companion Limacé, a gorgeous gastropod (at least by gastropodial standards, and yes, I know that is not a real word. I made it up) and once upon a time sweetheart of one Schnecke Armkachel. (Bet you didn’t know Schnecke had a last name. How else do you think he would get a drivers license if he didn’t?!)
The ‘B.O.O.B.S.’ are now Lard Moldewart’s sworn enemies and he has gathered about him a band of ne’er-do-wells known as the ‘Extremely Vile, Ill-tempered Lawlessly Evil’ or just The EVILES for short (evile’s’ being the plural of evile).
Lard Moldewart’s right hand man is one Obie (short for Obadiah) ‘Yawn’ CanO’Bee (also Irish). He is the archenemy of Death Maul.
Although not much of a fighter, when necessary he uses his formidable weapon, the ‘Nighty-Night Sabre’, one swift bonk on the head and it’s lights out and nighty-night for the victim.
Obie ‘Yawn’ was lured to the Larp Side because they are actually more intimidation than action, so he can do what he enjoys most, sleep. Although he does so with one eye open, and sleep-walks to boot, no one ever really knows if he is indeed awake, or asleep until one is or is not clonked on the head.
(addeneum- Obie Yawn’s identical-twin brother, Juan CanO’Bee was once a member of the EVILES, his weapon was, you guessed it, a ‘Can o’ Bees’ which he released on unsuspecting goodie-two-buttcheeks, stinging them ‘but good’....I mean ‘but evil’, until he had a revelation, went back to university and is now known as OB. Juan CanO’Bee. Yes, he is now a Obstetrician. (insert the *wah, wah wah* and *facepalm* here).
Although not much of a fighter, when necessary he uses his formidable weapon, the ‘Nighty-Night Sabre’, one swift bonk on the head and it’s lights out and nighty-night for the victim.
Obie ‘Yawn’ was lured to the Larp Side because they are actually more intimidation than action, so he can do what he enjoys most, sleep. Although he does so with one eye open, and sleep-walks to boot, no one ever really knows if he is indeed awake, or asleep until one is or is not clonked on the head.
(addeneum- Obie Yawn’s identical-twin brother, Juan CanO’Bee was once a member of the EVILES, his weapon was, you guessed it, a ‘Can o’ Bees’ which he released on unsuspecting goodie-two-buttcheeks, stinging them ‘but good’....I mean ‘but evil’, until he had a revelation, went back to university and is now known as OB. Juan CanO’Bee. Yes, he is now a Obstetrician. (insert the *wah, wah wah* and *facepalm* here).
Next in the line of hierarchy we find Airship Captain Howe D. Reddbum.
He, like Sir Seymour Chapbottom, is also Irish and is in fact the ‘third’ cousin thrice removed of Sir Seymour. There was always jealous animosity between them growing up, and thus Captain Reddbum joined the EVILES to prove himself superior. His weapon you ask? A invention of his own he calls ‘Streamfunk’ which he fills with an irritant of his own concoction, then super soaks his targets, creating- yes, you know it- a rash.....behavior.
He, like Sir Seymour Chapbottom, is also Irish and is in fact the ‘third’ cousin thrice removed of Sir Seymour. There was always jealous animosity between them growing up, and thus Captain Reddbum joined the EVILES to prove himself superior. His weapon you ask? A invention of his own he calls ‘Streamfunk’ which he fills with an irritant of his own concoction, then super soaks his targets, creating- yes, you know it- a rash.....behavior.
Duchesse Anne O. Cleaves is the gal pal of Obie ‘Yawn’. She, as with Obie ‘Yawn’, also has an identical twin in the form of a step-sister, Mlle. Maque ‘the knife’ Inbaque <(whom will later be found to be a cross-dressing double agent), only the Duchesse Anne has much better fashion sense. Her weapon is, obviously, a cleaver. She considers herself a chef and with it she slices, dices and makes julienne whatever out of anything that gets in her way. But she will meet her match, oh yes she will, in an upcoming adventure.
Lastly is Professor Moore E. Arty. He is a diabolical genius, schooled under his esteemed pundit,
Doctor Moore Rowe (from whence the Professor gleaned his given, but in this case chosen, name).
Doctor Moore Rowe taught the Professor everything he knew before being eaten by his experiments.
The Professor himself joined the Larp Side mainly to get brains so he can continue with his creation of an Army (of) Patagium Evolutionary Simians, or A.P.E.S. for short.
His first attempt, which he named Pierre Boulle, didn’t work out as well as planned, but is intelligent enough to assist the Professor in further facilitating his fiendish formula for world domination. An army of aviate apes.
(One certainly hopes that Professor Moore E. Arty and the Professor of Pandemonic Pain never join forces, or it will surely be the end of the world as we know it).
Doctor Moore Rowe (from whence the Professor gleaned his given, but in this case chosen, name).
Doctor Moore Rowe taught the Professor everything he knew before being eaten by his experiments.
The Professor himself joined the Larp Side mainly to get brains so he can continue with his creation of an Army (of) Patagium Evolutionary Simians, or A.P.E.S. for short.
His first attempt, which he named Pierre Boulle, didn’t work out as well as planned, but is intelligent enough to assist the Professor in further facilitating his fiendish formula for world domination. An army of aviate apes.
(One certainly hopes that Professor Moore E. Arty and the Professor of Pandemonic Pain never join forces, or it will surely be the end of the world as we know it).
Anyway, they all entered the banquet hall.....
..... curiously, just as all the lights went out.
Then the carnage began.
Chaos ensued.
Everyone at the bar was teed off...or was that tea-ed on?
Cakes and pies flew every which way and that. It was far from being a cakewalk on the dance floor, more like pastry pandemonium.
Then the carnage began.
Chaos ensued.
Everyone at the bar was teed off...or was that tea-ed on?
Cakes and pies flew every which way and that. It was far from being a cakewalk on the dance floor, more like pastry pandemonium.
It came to be known as ‘Battle Royale Icing’.
The ‘fighting’ was mostly just intimidation, fancy footwork and fisticuffs.
No one wished to do any grievous bodily harm.
Death Maul tried to ‘lighten’ the situation with his weapon, but the cursed batteries in his ‘Right Saver’ chose to give out, precisely when he needed it most. Eveready? More like Neveready!
The ‘fighting’ was mostly just intimidation, fancy footwork and fisticuffs.
No one wished to do any grievous bodily harm.
Death Maul tried to ‘lighten’ the situation with his weapon, but the cursed batteries in his ‘Right Saver’ chose to give out, precisely when he needed it most. Eveready? More like Neveready!
Of course, the authorities were called in by the catering staff. Thankfully, Elvis, Elvis, Elvis, Elvis, Elvis and Elvis had ‘left the building’ at the onslaught.
When the air cleared, all were taken into ‘custody’ save Schnecke, who just before it started, went out to have a pipe smoke.
Thus it was he, Schnecke, and he alone, who accepted ‘custody’ of all of them (doing so mainly for ‘Limacé’ whom he had an affection for before she turned EVILE. He still held feelings for her).
And here ends another exiting (oops, left out the ‘c’, oh well, an exit is an end, and adding the ‘c’ would only be to make you think this was more than mediocre) of-
"HELLdin, the Evil (but pleasant) Destroyer!"
And here ends another exiting (oops, left out the ‘c’, oh well, an exit is an end, and adding the ‘c’ would only be to make you think this was more than mediocre) of-
"HELLdin, the Evil (but pleasant) Destroyer!"
+ + +
A little known fact, HELLdin (I’ll dispense with the rest of her title...shhh, it’s between you, me and the bedpost over there, cause I sure hope she doesn’t see this...she has a wicked temper...insists on all the dramatics) wrote AND starred in her own version of ‘Evil Dead’. Perhaps, in time, she will release it here, now in stunning TechNOcolour!
The tagline for the film was "If you can't beat them.....then you are using the wrong weapon. Try using a boomstick or chainsaw, and if all else fails use your axe. It makes an impression. A very deep and bloody impression."
The rest of it-
"...and, if you can't beat them alone, just quietly and calmly go off and find others like yourself... then, you all come back and beat the daylights out of them!"
The tagline for the film was "If you can't beat them.....then you are using the wrong weapon. Try using a boomstick or chainsaw, and if all else fails use your axe. It makes an impression. A very deep and bloody impression."
The rest of it-
"...and, if you can't beat them alone, just quietly and calmly go off and find others like yourself... then, you all come back and beat the daylights out of them!"
+ + +
Above you see one of Schnecke’s famous ancestors, Sir Snegle Seilide.
Snails were much larger in medievil times, and knights were a lot smaller.
This may, or may not be ‘in large’ as simply a remnant of preHIStoric past,
kinda like Nessie, or is actually the rare, quite shy and seldom seen, legendary
Great Pink Sea Snail.
Anyway, Sir Seilide the Slime, as he was known back then, fought and slew the dreaded
knight of knightmares, assuring everyone from henceforth a calm and restful sleep.
This has been disputed as being highly unlikely by historians, but they were only schooled in
medieval history, not mediEVIL hiSTORY.
Snails were much larger in medievil times, and knights were a lot smaller.
This may, or may not be ‘in large’ as simply a remnant of preHIStoric past,
kinda like Nessie, or is actually the rare, quite shy and seldom seen, legendary
Great Pink Sea Snail.
Anyway, Sir Seilide the Slime, as he was known back then, fought and slew the dreaded
knight of knightmares, assuring everyone from henceforth a calm and restful sleep.
This has been disputed as being highly unlikely by historians, but they were only schooled in
medieval history, not mediEVIL hiSTORY.
+ + +
Yes, Another Disclaimer (and I am sure there will be more in the future, since the future is already there, and I am the creator of this, so it will be in my future but perhaps not yours, but that doesn't really matter since I know already what I will be writing in the future, but that is for me to know and you, well, not to know. Yet. So let's get on with this, shall we?)- Warning, what you are about to read/view is in extreme poor taste (and I can assure you it will get worse and worse with each episode.)
If your taste buds are sensitive, please, for the love of all that is holy,
DO NOT READ FURTHER! Turn back now!
You have been duly warned.
Addendumb- Once again, all characters, plots, subplots, storylines, etc. are pure fiction
and not related to anyone living, dead or undead, which would be living.
Any similarity is completely circumstantial. (And possibly evidence to the crime against all that is respectable, decorous and dignified.)
No animals were harmed in the production of this um, er, whatever-it-is.
If your taste buds are sensitive, please, for the love of all that is holy,
DO NOT READ FURTHER! Turn back now!
You have been duly warned.
Addendumb- Once again, all characters, plots, subplots, storylines, etc. are pure fiction
and not related to anyone living, dead or undead, which would be living.
Any similarity is completely circumstantial. (And possibly evidence to the crime against all that is respectable, decorous and dignified.)
No animals were harmed in the production of this um, er, whatever-it-is.
When we last left ‘HELLdin the Evil (but pleasant) Destoyer’ she was sifting through and cataloging data at B.O.O.B.S. (the ‘Benevolent Order Of Butt Savers’, in case you forgot) secret headquarters located in a cavern hidden (because it is secret) abreast and betwixt the twin peaks of the Grand Teatons (it all goes ‘down hill’ from here, folks [*groan* even I thought that was bad]), so called, due to it’s odd rock formations.
(Note: the udder beauty of this pair of magnificent mounds can be viewed further, much further, below.)
(Note: the udder beauty of this pair of magnificent mounds can be viewed further, much further, below.)
She just received a call from one of her school mates and colleague, ‘Stuffy’ over at Gloomyvale High. Stuffy had gotten word from her bf Angle (a reformed blood sucker, no not a leech, yes a vampire) that there was a potentially paranormal problem at a place called Sidney Manor. She, Angle, Dander, Maple and another rehabilitated vampire named Stake (never a good name for a Vampire, btw), were on the prom and graduation committees, not to mention dealing with another Hell Mouth, this one new and improved, opening in Gloomyvale, so would be unable to handle the situation.
She said she had spoken to her guidance counselor, Pubert E. Biles, about the case, but he was unable to offer any advice, as he was presently involved in a very serious ‘Head’ to head ‘Shites & Bladders’ competition against the world reigning champion, Leslie WinDamn ‘at any’ Price.
HELLdin said she would do what she could. Battling the paranormal was not really her, nor the B.O.O.B.S., forte, so she thought she’d try calling a few other associates who were more capable in handling such matters.
She said she had spoken to her guidance counselor, Pubert E. Biles, about the case, but he was unable to offer any advice, as he was presently involved in a very serious ‘Head’ to head ‘Shites & Bladders’ competition against the world reigning champion, Leslie WinDamn ‘at any’ Price.
HELLdin said she would do what she could. Battling the paranormal was not really her, nor the B.O.O.B.S., forte, so she thought she’d try calling a few other associates who were more capable in handling such matters.
So who was she gonna call? The Toastdusters, of course. Their motto ‘ashes to ashes, toast and/or dust...’em!’ She punched in their number. Dr. Nayman Cantz answered (hey, it’s tough to come up with this stuff, ya know!) Unfortunately he, Dr. Peter Wankman, Dr. Dagon Dangler and Piston Zedless were now in retirement and had to sell off all their equipment at a yard sale. Gone were the PKE meters, ecto goggles and even the Ecto 1.
They did have a couple of Proton Packs and a trap left, which they were welcomed to, but the Ecto Containment Unit Reactor-
They did have a couple of Proton Packs and a trap left, which they were welcomed to, but the Ecto Containment Unit Reactor-
had been sold to the Kodiak Corporation in Rochester, N.Y. It was kept in a very secure basement there, so if anything ecto-ish was capture it would have to be taken there for confinement. IF they were allowed access, that is.
HELLdin thanked them for their offer and asked could they send the equipment a.s.a.p.
HELLdin thanked them for their offer and asked could they send the equipment a.s.a.p.
Next she tried her dear friends, the Remington sisters, Pam and Jean. They too were booked, yes, another completely different Hell Mouth had opened, along with various demons, hell hounds, revolting angels (since God has been away on business elsewhere in the aether), prophets and whatnot, so they were a no show.
Thus, with no affiliates left that were trained in such matters, she sent a text to her fellow B.O.O.B.S.
Thus, with no affiliates left that were trained in such matters, she sent a text to her fellow B.O.O.B.S.
The first one to get back to her was Sir Seymour Chapbottom. He gave his apologies, but< :) was currently on the trail of the infamous Italian villain, Giardia Lamblini who had been ‘rashly’ spreading quite unpleasant conditions across 5 states.
Next to return her text was MadMadigan the Merciless. She sent this-
Next to return her text was MadMadigan the Merciless. She sent this-
yes, she now battles pink Olifonts!
The Professor of Pandemonic Pain, sent his regards, but regretted being busy with cloning experiments at the moment and could not get away, though he graciously offered sending a replican’t of his ASsIStant Fankie Gore, but warned there were some slight glitches not yet worked out and he could not guarantee the repligore would not go berserk and cannibalize everyone.
The Mysterious Warrior of Mysteriousness was unable to be contacted due to being mysteriously nowhere and everywhere.
The Professor of Pandemonic Pain, sent his regards, but regretted being busy with cloning experiments at the moment and could not get away, though he graciously offered sending a replican’t of his ASsIStant Fankie Gore, but warned there were some slight glitches not yet worked out and he could not guarantee the repligore would not go berserk and cannibalize everyone.
The Mysterious Warrior of Mysteriousness was unable to be contacted due to being mysteriously nowhere and everywhere.
Olaf the Awful had returned to his own country and was now a Sous Chef for a famous culinary artist, a grand gourmet cuisinier.
Mlle. Maque ‘the knife’ Inbaque had taken up with a new group, and was never herd from again.
That only left Death Maul and FarLich the Formidable.
After they finally deciphered HELLdin’s text, they sent their own-
Mlle. Maque ‘the knife’ Inbaque had taken up with a new group, and was never herd from again.
That only left Death Maul and FarLich the Formidable.
After they finally deciphered HELLdin’s text, they sent their own-
When they arrived, and the equipment was loaded into the van. Schnecke volunteered *coughinsistedcough* to drive, since he had recently gotten his permit and needed actual behind the wheel experience.
So they all got aboard the BOOBSmobile, renamed ‘The Mysterious Mechanism’ by The Mysterious Warrior of Mysteriousness (thus the pink Shurikens)....
...and off they went to battle a new adversary, who, or what, they would soon find out.
(Yeah, I know, it's bad and will only get worse....)
To be continued.....
(Yeah, I know, it's bad and will only get worse....)
To be continued.....
+ + +
.....Continuation
The trip started out better than anticipated.....and went straight downhill from there.
To save time, the trio+snail decided to take the shortcut through the forest (and we all
know how that always turns out.)
Not just any forest, mind you, this was the infamous Semi-Black Forest, a.k.a. The 10,000 Aker Woods, Surewould Forrest, Fangedthorn and Lurkwood or, simply, The Haunted Forest (which abuts <(haha)> but should not be mistaken for The Enchanted Forest.
The trip started out better than anticipated.....and went straight downhill from there.
To save time, the trio+snail decided to take the shortcut through the forest (and we all
know how that always turns out.)
Not just any forest, mind you, this was the infamous Semi-Black Forest, a.k.a. The 10,000 Aker Woods, Surewould Forrest, Fangedthorn and Lurkwood or, simply, The Haunted Forest (which abuts <(haha)> but should not be mistaken for The Enchanted Forest.
It would cut their trip by 3 hours, since the road through the forest would only take 10 minutes.
Legend has, it takes only 10 minutes no matter what your destination. Even to Europe. That should have made people slightly suspicious, but no, many have traveled the road, and many never returned. Probably because they just wanted to stay wherever they went. Yes, that makes sense.
Anyway, it was said, as long as one stayed on the road itself, they would be safe. Said by whom,
no one knew simply because most heeded the warning signs and stayed away, and those that didn’t,well, it sure wasn’t them (mostly because their bodies were never found.)
It could be the ‘they’, that always says everything. Those people who seem to know things, but are unidentifiable, for instance ‘they said the world was round’, ‘they started a revolution’. You know, you must have run into something ‘they’ve’ said.
But I digress.
There were stories, MANY stories concerning the forest. ‘They’ said it was evil incarnate. That there were monsters, ghosts, demons, time warps, hell mouths (yes, there are apparently many), werethings, and the proverbial lions and tigers and bears, oh my! <(spoken as George Takei would.)
Oh, yes! There were tales, and HELLdin made a mental note (she makes many of these because she is quite mental..ly efficient) to have the B.O.O.B.S. investigate further, but that would have to wait for now. There were more pressing matters at hand (and one of them was Schnecke....if the forest didn’t do them in, his driving just might.)
Legend has, it takes only 10 minutes no matter what your destination. Even to Europe. That should have made people slightly suspicious, but no, many have traveled the road, and many never returned. Probably because they just wanted to stay wherever they went. Yes, that makes sense.
Anyway, it was said, as long as one stayed on the road itself, they would be safe. Said by whom,
no one knew simply because most heeded the warning signs and stayed away, and those that didn’t,well, it sure wasn’t them (mostly because their bodies were never found.)
It could be the ‘they’, that always says everything. Those people who seem to know things, but are unidentifiable, for instance ‘they said the world was round’, ‘they started a revolution’. You know, you must have run into something ‘they’ve’ said.
But I digress.
There were stories, MANY stories concerning the forest. ‘They’ said it was evil incarnate. That there were monsters, ghosts, demons, time warps, hell mouths (yes, there are apparently many), werethings, and the proverbial lions and tigers and bears, oh my! <(spoken as George Takei would.)
Oh, yes! There were tales, and HELLdin made a mental note (she makes many of these because she is quite mental..ly efficient) to have the B.O.O.B.S. investigate further, but that would have to wait for now. There were more pressing matters at hand (and one of them was Schnecke....if the forest didn’t do them in, his driving just might.)
They approached the ‘heart’ of the forest. It looked quite dark, semi-black to be precise, but ----theirs was not to reason why, theirs was but to do...and hopefully not die, onward, into the forest of death road, rode the trio+snail.
All was going quite well.
There was light just up ahead, and when it appeared they were almost clear of the forest, the vans headlights went out, the motor began to falter, the radio came on by itself. Must be some type of magnetic field...wait...’does anyone hear a whirring sound?’ HELLdin asked the others just minutes before......
Upon their arrival, HELLdin felt there was something amiss..ing, but she just couldn’t suss out what it was? Furthermore, Schnecke was acting rather suspicious as well. Perhaps she bumped her head during one of his swerves to avoid hitting various forms of life, as well as those pesky inanimate objects that jump in front of moving autos. Whatever.
After straightening her dishevelment, she checked her watch....hmmm, that’s curious, according to the time, what seemed only a mere 10 minutes, took one hour, ten minutes. Hmpf, either they lost an hour somewhere, or that 10 minute legend was just a hoax.
She checked her watch against Schnecke’s. The time was the same. Curious. Maybe she had simply dozed off during the trip?
On their return they would take the same route and mark the miles on the van’s odd-o-meter...if it was still functioning, that is.
Now, to the task at hand!
On their return they would take the same route and mark the miles on the van’s odd-o-meter...if it was still functioning, that is.
Now, to the task at hand!
+ + +
As we all know, HELLdin was to investigate and dematerialize for good,
paranormal goings on at the‘Haunted Sidney Manor’ (no relationship to the Disney Mansion,
even though it is an anagram of the first part, and just another name for the second. It has nothing to do with Disney or Walt or anything associated with the megawunderfreizeitpark.)
This was not one of those usual ‘hauntings’ so.....
Can you help HELLdin find the ghosts of Gary Oldman?
His past but not forgotten characters, that is!
Better yet, can you name each character he portrayed, and the film they were from
WITHOUT CHEATING AND LOOKING THEM UP!!!
paranormal goings on at the‘Haunted Sidney Manor’ (no relationship to the Disney Mansion,
even though it is an anagram of the first part, and just another name for the second. It has nothing to do with Disney or Walt or anything associated with the megawunderfreizeitpark.)
This was not one of those usual ‘hauntings’ so.....
Can you help HELLdin find the ghosts of Gary Oldman?
His past but not forgotten characters, that is!
Better yet, can you name each character he portrayed, and the film they were from
WITHOUT CHEATING AND LOOKING THEM UP!!!
The arrival.
After removing the wilderness from the van, and assessing the damage....
a little touch up paint and it should look as good as new.
After removing the wilderness from the van, and assessing the damage....
a little touch up paint and it should look as good as new.
Mr. Sidney met them at the gate...
oops forgot to remove the Spectralrhodopsinoculars.
oops forgot to remove the Spectralrhodopsinoculars.
That’s better.
Mr. Sidney was quite the odd chap. Didn’t have much to say.
Just stood there smiling as we entered the Manor.
But his need was nonetheless transparent.
Mr. Sidney was quite the odd chap. Didn’t have much to say.
Just stood there smiling as we entered the Manor.
But his need was nonetheless transparent.
Entry Hall (find 3 Gary Oldmanifestations)
Library (there are 4 Gary Oldmanifestations in this room. Find them by looking through the Spectralrhodopsinoculars you were provided with upon entering....what? Of course you were given a pair, if not, you wouldn't be seeing any of this!)
Parlour (in this room you must seek 4 Gary Oldmanisfestations plus one mystery ‘Gary’)
Dining Hall (look for 3 Gary Oldmanifestations in this place setting.)
Bedroom (3 Gary Oldmanifestations in this room...and here is a hint- shh, silence my little lambs, mustn't wake the dead! Afterall, we're here to send them to their eternal rest.)
Lastly find 3 Gary Oldmanifestations in this room, and Schnecke, this is no time for a bath!
(And you thought the King was dead....)
Didja find them all? And know what character they portrayed in what film?
Now wasn't that fun? Yes, I know some (and possibly all) were just too easy, hey,
you try it then, and let me seek and find! :)
(And you thought the King was dead....)
Didja find them all? And know what character they portrayed in what film?
Now wasn't that fun? Yes, I know some (and possibly all) were just too easy, hey,
you try it then, and let me seek and find! :)
+ + +
With the discovery of the Gary Oldmanifestations being actually Pepper’s ghosts, set up to attract the curious to the Manor....for a fee, and Mr. Sidney was, curiously, no where to be found, it was time for the duo to make the trip back. Schnecke would simply forward their findings, when writing his report on the case.
HELLdin looked woefully at the van...’well, Schnecke, I suppose we can drive it home, with one headlight’ she sang, hoping to lighten the situation.
To make matters worse, it was a moonless night, the clouds hung heavy from the mesosphere downwards, obliterating all heavenly light. Just darkness...made darker still, from the ominousness of the forest itself. Thank goodness the high beams, well, beam in this case, still worked!
HELLdin looked woefully at the van...’well, Schnecke, I suppose we can drive it home, with one headlight’ she sang, hoping to lighten the situation.
To make matters worse, it was a moonless night, the clouds hung heavy from the mesosphere downwards, obliterating all heavenly light. Just darkness...made darker still, from the ominousness of the forest itself. Thank goodness the high beams, well, beam in this case, still worked!
Creeping along at 27 mph, HELLdin hoped they would pass through the legendary ‘10 minutes to any destination’ warp, but she had her doubts.
As they approached the heart of the Semi-Black Forest, the world grew still, there were no comforting night sounds nor sights, no cricket calls, no fireflies. Just a dead silence, when suddenly something very tall lumbered out in front of the van, then froze, staring blankly at the headlight.
As they approached the heart of the Semi-Black Forest, the world grew still, there were no comforting night sounds nor sights, no cricket calls, no fireflies. Just a dead silence, when suddenly something very tall lumbered out in front of the van, then froze, staring blankly at the headlight.
‘It’s the Man of Forest, Green Man! No, a weredeer, look, it has antlers!’ HELLdin exclaimed as she squinted, her eyes trying to focus in the dusk to see more clearly the beastly form in front of them.
‘Big Foot!’ Schnecke schrieked, as he jammed on the brakes.
‘Big Foot!’ Schnecke schrieked, as he jammed on the brakes.
Wait, ‘that’s no ‘squatch, I believe it’s....’ her face now pressed against where the windshield should have been, ‘it’s.....Death Maul the Disruptive, but not necessarily, Destroyer!’
‘But what in fripping hell is he doing out here’ Schnecke replied (with a very curious menacing undertone), ‘and why is he naked?’
‘Death? Is that you?’ HELLdin spoke quietly, as one would to a thing of the wilds.
There was no response, just a vacant stare.
‘I’m sure that is him, Schnecke. Let’s get him back to headquarters, perhaps Professor PP (the Professor of Pandemonic Pain) will have some insight into this.'
‘But what in fripping hell is he doing out here’ Schnecke replied (with a very curious menacing undertone), ‘and why is he naked?’
‘Death? Is that you?’ HELLdin spoke quietly, as one would to a thing of the wilds.
There was no response, just a vacant stare.
‘I’m sure that is him, Schnecke. Let’s get him back to headquarters, perhaps Professor PP (the Professor of Pandemonic Pain) will have some insight into this.'
The two, wrangled the speechless, malodorous, drooling one, into the van and they continued homeward..
Dum..dum...DUMB!!!!!! Guess we will just have to wait to find out what happens next, dear readers. Is it really Death Maul? And what happened to FarLich? Is there alien probing in the next chapter? Will the dialogue get even worse? That is for me to know and you to....not know, yet, so stay tooned for the next exciting(?) episode of ‘HELLdin, the Evil (but pleasant) Destroyer’
Dum..dum...DUMB!!!!!! Guess we will just have to wait to find out what happens next, dear readers. Is it really Death Maul? And what happened to FarLich? Is there alien probing in the next chapter? Will the dialogue get even worse? That is for me to know and you to....not know, yet, so stay tooned for the next exciting(?) episode of ‘HELLdin, the Evil (but pleasant) Destroyer’
+ + +
They finally arrived safely at ‘headquarters’, and lucky for them, with their heads whole, in tact, and with all other body parts.
Death was silent as the grave on the entire 10 minute trip (yep, the ‘time travel
to any destination’ anomaly worked this time), just staring blankly, while HELLdin dabbed the drool as it dribbled down his beard, as it annoyed Schnecke immensely (this, coming from one who leaves a slime trail wherever he goes *sigh*)
They went directly to Professor PP’s lavatory, er, I mean La'BORE-atory.
Death was silent as the grave on the entire 10 minute trip (yep, the ‘time travel
to any destination’ anomaly worked this time), just staring blankly, while HELLdin dabbed the drool as it dribbled down his beard, as it annoyed Schnecke immensely (this, coming from one who leaves a slime trail wherever he goes *sigh*)
They went directly to Professor PP’s lavatory, er, I mean La'BORE-atory.
The Prof had just finished an experiment he had been working on when they entered the room.
Death was looking quite deathly by now....
Death was looking quite deathly by now....
...and at that very moment, grabbed his stomach and gave out with a deep, guttural groan, as tentacle-like, well, tentacles, emerged from his every orifice.
‘We do not come in peace’ a telepathic warning came from whatever it was inside Death.
‘We are from the planet XOEZ’ it continued. ‘We are holding your other carbon based sack on
our MotherFlockingSheep' (they had not fully conquered human language. Schnecke felt it his place to correct them, so he telepathically responded emphatically with ‘MotherSHIP...S..H..I..P...SHIP!’ this was another thing that annoyed him, mispronunciation.)
The alien continued, uninterrupted, 'And we shall not hesitate to probe him further if our demands are not met, and when we say ‘probe’, we mean EXTREME PROBE!’
‘We come seeking Eezillyobtainium. A rare earth element!’ it bellowed inside our heads.
‘Sedate him or something!’ HELLdin franticized.
‘I am not a doctor! I am a scientist! Professor PP spat *spat*.
‘We are from the planet XOEZ’ it continued. ‘We are holding your other carbon based sack on
our MotherFlockingSheep' (they had not fully conquered human language. Schnecke felt it his place to correct them, so he telepathically responded emphatically with ‘MotherSHIP...S..H..I..P...SHIP!’ this was another thing that annoyed him, mispronunciation.)
The alien continued, uninterrupted, 'And we shall not hesitate to probe him further if our demands are not met, and when we say ‘probe’, we mean EXTREME PROBE!’
‘We come seeking Eezillyobtainium. A rare earth element!’ it bellowed inside our heads.
‘Sedate him or something!’ HELLdin franticized.
‘I am not a doctor! I am a scientist! Professor PP spat *spat*.
HELLdin, tearing at her hair in desperation for who knew what atrocities were being performed on her beloved FarLich, ‘We need a doctor!’ she wailed in earnest supplication.
*whoosh...whoosh...whoosh* along with the melodious sound of a theremin (and, no, it is not Star Trek...or is it????) echoed about the room.
(followed by a voice heard off camera) ‘Did someone call for a Doctor?’
*whoosh...whoosh...whoosh* along with the melodious sound of a theremin (and, no, it is not Star Trek...or is it????) echoed about the room.
(followed by a voice heard off camera) ‘Did someone call for a Doctor?’
Who is this mysterious stranger, you might ask? Is he, indeed, a Doctor? Why is he off camera?
These, and many other unasked questions will be answered in due TIME, indubitably, oh dubious readers, IN DUE TIME, as for now, keep those panties in a wad until next TIME!
These, and many other unasked questions will be answered in due TIME, indubitably, oh dubious readers, IN DUE TIME, as for now, keep those panties in a wad until next TIME!
+ + +
(Yes, there are holes in the plot. More than one kind, in fact, which you will see as the story unfolds...)
As the euphonous sound of a ghostly theremin, playing dueling theme songs, begins to fade.....
Professor PP immediately recognized his old friend The Proctologist (aka Doctor Poo), and the unmistakable ’WHOosh’ of his verkehrsmittel, the TURDIS- ‘Trans-Universal Rear Door Into Space’ (yes, yes, I know it’s really bad. I created it awhile ago, but the site it was on is no longer in it's previous form, all from that time is lost and gone forever. Forgotten. Like a portion of one's life, deleted with the striking of a key *sigh*, but, such is life. You're here today, gone tomorrow. Yeah, that was pretty depressing.
ANYWAY, this will probably all get progressively worse, so, get over it already! Oh, and my sincerest apologies to Matt Smith and the other Doctors as well.)
But what is this? Another stranger appears in the lab!
WHO, in the multidimensiverses, the other man was that stood there cursing with a southern draw about being beamed down while doing his laundry (hence, the other woosh sound), was unknown.
As the euphonous sound of a ghostly theremin, playing dueling theme songs, begins to fade.....
Professor PP immediately recognized his old friend The Proctologist (aka Doctor Poo), and the unmistakable ’WHOosh’ of his verkehrsmittel, the TURDIS- ‘Trans-Universal Rear Door Into Space’ (yes, yes, I know it’s really bad. I created it awhile ago, but the site it was on is no longer in it's previous form, all from that time is lost and gone forever. Forgotten. Like a portion of one's life, deleted with the striking of a key *sigh*, but, such is life. You're here today, gone tomorrow. Yeah, that was pretty depressing.
ANYWAY, this will probably all get progressively worse, so, get over it already! Oh, and my sincerest apologies to Matt Smith and the other Doctors as well.)
But what is this? Another stranger appears in the lab!
WHO, in the multidimensiverses, the other man was that stood there cursing with a southern draw about being beamed down while doing his laundry (hence, the other woosh sound), was unknown.
He spoke first.
'I am Doctor McKoi of the starship Enterspies.' (There was definitely something fishy about him....insert wah wah wah wahhh, sound, here! Remember, you were forewarned this would degenerate.)
'What seems to be the problem here? I don’t usually make planet calls, but since I am a doctor, direct me to the patient.'
He runs his medical tricorder over Death Maul. 'I might be just a country doctor, but I’d say he has a bad case of Alien Tentaculum rectalitis. I’ve read of things similar, the posterior entry and cohabitation of two species, though the more domineering generally controls. In this case it appears the symbiote commands the host.'
Professor PP exasperates ‘Well, do something! Extirpate or destroy the ‘bugger!’
‘Dammit, man, I’m a doctor, I save lives, not exterminate them! You have two sentient beings here!’ replied Doctor McKoi.
With that The Proctologist ‘chymes’ in,‘I think I can resolve this situation with my sonic screwdriver! Can you have the patient bend over, turn his head and cough? After all, I am not called the Proctologist for nothing!’
A ‘conference’ to determine the best form of action ensued.
'I am Doctor McKoi of the starship Enterspies.' (There was definitely something fishy about him....insert wah wah wah wahhh, sound, here! Remember, you were forewarned this would degenerate.)
'What seems to be the problem here? I don’t usually make planet calls, but since I am a doctor, direct me to the patient.'
He runs his medical tricorder over Death Maul. 'I might be just a country doctor, but I’d say he has a bad case of Alien Tentaculum rectalitis. I’ve read of things similar, the posterior entry and cohabitation of two species, though the more domineering generally controls. In this case it appears the symbiote commands the host.'
Professor PP exasperates ‘Well, do something! Extirpate or destroy the ‘bugger!’
‘Dammit, man, I’m a doctor, I save lives, not exterminate them! You have two sentient beings here!’ replied Doctor McKoi.
With that The Proctologist ‘chymes’ in,‘I think I can resolve this situation with my sonic screwdriver! Can you have the patient bend over, turn his head and cough? After all, I am not called the Proctologist for nothing!’
A ‘conference’ to determine the best form of action ensued.
A voice is heard over the bickering, er, ‘consultation’.
‘May I have your attention, please.’ It was a statement, not a question.
They all turned.
The voice was coming from HELLdin’s ‘companion’, Schnecke.
‘I can resolve this without going to Extremes, though it goes against the prime directive of noninterference, as do the laws of most intergalacticdimensional interactions.’
‘May I have your attention, please.’ It was a statement, not a question.
They all turned.
The voice was coming from HELLdin’s ‘companion’, Schnecke.
‘I can resolve this without going to Extremes, though it goes against the prime directive of noninterference, as do the laws of most intergalacticdimensional interactions.’
*He glares at the Proctologist and Doctor McKoi, who's jaws, along with everyone else’s in the lab (save Death's who just continued to drool), had dropped, flabbergasted*
*Ahem* he clears his voice, which, I might add, is quite deep and resonant considering his diminutive size.
'I go by many names, in many worlds. Schnecke is but the one HELLdin chose to call me, since I had not revealed to her my true identity, but you may simply call me Arzt.
I am a Slime Lord, of the planet Schlammifrey.
What I carry on my back is actually my transportation unit, as well as being what I now call 'home' (I shall reveal the reason for this, in relative time.) It is called a SIDRAT (aka, Spatial Interstellar Dimensional Recreational Amusement Transport.)
It is smaller on the outside, as you will soon see.
I am an anthropodologist. I was sent here to merely observe, record my findings and report back to my superiors on any threats to the multiverses by aspiring life forms.
Due to my undying regard and loyalty to HELLdin, I will go against my better judgement at great risk of personal retaliation for breaking a cosmic law, and will formulate a mild aperient for the gentle and harmless evacuation of the intruder. It will also purge any memory of the encounter from both. Then, we shall rescue your comrade with arms aboard their mother fripping ship.'
....to be continued.
*Ahem* he clears his voice, which, I might add, is quite deep and resonant considering his diminutive size.
'I go by many names, in many worlds. Schnecke is but the one HELLdin chose to call me, since I had not revealed to her my true identity, but you may simply call me Arzt.
I am a Slime Lord, of the planet Schlammifrey.
What I carry on my back is actually my transportation unit, as well as being what I now call 'home' (I shall reveal the reason for this, in relative time.) It is called a SIDRAT (aka, Spatial Interstellar Dimensional Recreational Amusement Transport.)
It is smaller on the outside, as you will soon see.
I am an anthropodologist. I was sent here to merely observe, record my findings and report back to my superiors on any threats to the multiverses by aspiring life forms.
Due to my undying regard and loyalty to HELLdin, I will go against my better judgement at great risk of personal retaliation for breaking a cosmic law, and will formulate a mild aperient for the gentle and harmless evacuation of the intruder. It will also purge any memory of the encounter from both. Then, we shall rescue your comrade with arms aboard their mother fripping ship.'
....to be continued.
+ + +
The following is Plot Hole Filler #1 (as in verbal asphalt<[yep, take an ‘ass’ {i.e., me} who’s ‘fault’ it is at leaving out pertinent information, put them together and what have you got? Plot Hole Filler, of course! There were probably many other ruts left unfilled, and will probably be many more. Meh.)
You may find these fillers periodically (from here on) NOT because I forgot to mention important factors in the story, more so because I just think everyone is on the same brainwave-length as me and automatically know what I am talking about so fill in the voids themselves....well, yes, maybe I forget, being caught up in the moment and all *sigh* Stupid brain! Never around when I really need it...always somewhere else thinking something different *deeper sigh*
So, let’s go back a few paragraphs....
On the arrival to HQ’s HQ< (Head Quarters’ Hind Quarters, meaning they entered through the back door [was that a Freudian slip?], being discreet as not to alarm others with Death’s appearance.)
Missing conversation to be inserted after -
They went directly to Professor PP’s lavatory, er, I mean La'BORE'-atory
The Prof had just finished an experiment he had been working on when they entered the room.
Professor PP: What’s wrong with Death, and WHERE’S FARLICH?’ (he always goes straight to the crux, never ‘Glad to see you. How was the trip? etc.)
HELLdin: ‘Wha?’ *looking bewildered and confused, which is quite common for her*
Professor PP: ‘He left with you, why hasn’t he returned? I do hope nothing, shall we say,
unpleasant has happened to him *an insidious grin beginning to form on his lips, as he rubs his hands
together* (the Professor and FarLich have a long standing engagement of verbal pugilism. A snickersnee of sharp tongues, if you will. )
HELLdin: *add worried expression to bewildered and confused* ‘He hasn’t returned?’
Professor PP: *smarmy-like* ‘If he had, do you think I’d be asking?’
and before- Death was looking quite deathly by now....
(The rest hopefully explains what has happened to FarLich the Formidable Fresh From the Fray, for now. Details will follow in upcoming episodes. Explicit Details! Bet that caught your attention and aroused your curiosity!)
Carry on.
You may find these fillers periodically (from here on) NOT because I forgot to mention important factors in the story, more so because I just think everyone is on the same brainwave-length as me and automatically know what I am talking about so fill in the voids themselves....well, yes, maybe I forget, being caught up in the moment and all *sigh* Stupid brain! Never around when I really need it...always somewhere else thinking something different *deeper sigh*
So, let’s go back a few paragraphs....
On the arrival to HQ’s HQ< (Head Quarters’ Hind Quarters, meaning they entered through the back door [was that a Freudian slip?], being discreet as not to alarm others with Death’s appearance.)
Missing conversation to be inserted after -
They went directly to Professor PP’s lavatory, er, I mean La'BORE'-atory
The Prof had just finished an experiment he had been working on when they entered the room.
Professor PP: What’s wrong with Death, and WHERE’S FARLICH?’ (he always goes straight to the crux, never ‘Glad to see you. How was the trip? etc.)
HELLdin: ‘Wha?’ *looking bewildered and confused, which is quite common for her*
Professor PP: ‘He left with you, why hasn’t he returned? I do hope nothing, shall we say,
unpleasant has happened to him *an insidious grin beginning to form on his lips, as he rubs his hands
together* (the Professor and FarLich have a long standing engagement of verbal pugilism. A snickersnee of sharp tongues, if you will. )
HELLdin: *add worried expression to bewildered and confused* ‘He hasn’t returned?’
Professor PP: *smarmy-like* ‘If he had, do you think I’d be asking?’
and before- Death was looking quite deathly by now....
(The rest hopefully explains what has happened to FarLich the Formidable Fresh From the Fray, for now. Details will follow in upcoming episodes. Explicit Details! Bet that caught your attention and aroused your curiosity!)
Carry on.
+ + +
It was agreed upon that HELLdin and Doctor McKoi would accompany Schnecke, er, 'Arzt',
aboard the SIDRAT (Spatial Interstellar Dimensional Recreational Amusement Transport.)
The TURDIS, being larger on the outside than in, would only accommodate The Proctologist (aka, Doctor Poo) and Death Maul.
The Professor would remain in his laboratory, formulating a back-up plan if this one failed.
The Current Plan:
They had none.
aboard the SIDRAT (Spatial Interstellar Dimensional Recreational Amusement Transport.)
The TURDIS, being larger on the outside than in, would only accommodate The Proctologist (aka, Doctor Poo) and Death Maul.
The Professor would remain in his laboratory, formulating a back-up plan if this one failed.
The Current Plan:
They had none.
Schnecke teleported HELLdin (who now, fully composed and with
MeisterfröhlichHenkersbeil in hand, was sternly intent upon rescuing her beloved, and fellow B.O.O.B., Farlich) and Doctor McKoi into his conveyance, which, opposite of TURDIS, appeared much smaller on the outside than within.
Of course, their size was reduced accordingly to accommodate.
MeisterfröhlichHenkersbeil in hand, was sternly intent upon rescuing her beloved, and fellow B.O.O.B., Farlich) and Doctor McKoi into his conveyance, which, opposite of TURDIS, appeared much smaller on the outside than within.
Of course, their size was reduced accordingly to accommodate.
^(cut away views of the SIDRAT)^
The Slime Lord then entered some coordinates and the SIDRAT, along with it’s crew, warped into EVH (Escape Velocity Hyperdrive.)
Back in the lab....
As the others made to enter the TURDIS, a gurgling sound began to emanate
from Death. Unbeknownst to everyone, the alien had started
it’s self-destruct mechanism (everything does under such circumstance, yes?)
from Death. Unbeknownst to everyone, the alien had started
it’s self-destruct mechanism (everything does under such circumstance, yes?)
Death’s stomach began to expand,
and expand....
AND EXPAND as the gurgling turned to a deep rumbling,
then...
then...
KABOOMEDYBAM!
To say the scheisse hit the fan would be an understatement.
There were bits of alien, Death, the TURDIS and Doctor Poo, as well as
Professor PP (how ‘initially’ appropriate is that, I ask?) splattered all over the room.
Are you picturing this?
Guess I’ll have to show you then.
To say the scheisse hit the fan would be an understatement.
There were bits of alien, Death, the TURDIS and Doctor Poo, as well as
Professor PP (how ‘initially’ appropriate is that, I ask?) splattered all over the room.
Are you picturing this?
Guess I’ll have to show you then.
Pretty darn messy, huh?
All organic matter within a nanomile radius was blasted to 'Smith'-ereens
(yep, Matt, that goes for you, too, as well as the TURDIS, which, like the SIDRAT,
was actually an organic life form in and of itself.)
What a mess, this was going to be to clean up!!!
(Next: Who? What? Where? When? And How will this all end????)
All organic matter within a nanomile radius was blasted to 'Smith'-ereens
(yep, Matt, that goes for you, too, as well as the TURDIS, which, like the SIDRAT,
was actually an organic life form in and of itself.)
What a mess, this was going to be to clean up!!!
(Next: Who? What? Where? When? And How will this all end????)
+ + +
What’s that? You found another plot hole? Well, with all the inclement weather we’ve had there are many crator-esque...wait, PLOT hole, ah, ok then.
How, you might ask, does Schnecke carry his ‘shell’ when it is not actually one he can curl himself in?
I’ll answer that.
If you notice the markings at the top and base of his ‘spots’ (which are not simply decorative, but we’ll get to that much later. Much, muchly later.)
How, you might ask, does Schnecke carry his ‘shell’ when it is not actually one he can curl himself in?
I’ll answer that.
If you notice the markings at the top and base of his ‘spots’ (which are not simply decorative, but we’ll get to that much later. Much, muchly later.)
^extreme Close-up^
That, dear friends, is the Trisource and is, as stated, the source of many unexplained and unexplainable things in this story.
Unexplainable because I can’t expla...I mean, because it is just too technically complicated for mere human minds.
Yeah, that’s it, too, too technically complicated.
Anyway, the Trisource on Schnecke’s body connects with the same markings just inside the front and back of the SIDRAT's entrance, thus attaching it to him until he chooses to disconnect.
(And, yes, alterations and amendments have been installed to this, and other episodes. Live with it.)
+ + +
And guess who is in charge of keeping the Lab clean, neat and tidy?
Yep, poor Frankie Gore, Professor PP’s faithful ‘as is’tant (pis.)
Frankie was in his cell, er, room in the dunge....basement having himself a nice spot of tea and crumpets (of course. Frankie is a Steampunk enthusiast and fancies himself quite the scholarly gentleman, and, once in awhile, when alone in his cell, I mean, room, with arms extended, he soars around, pretending to be an airship captain. Or a aeropirate. Or some such thing. Hey, it’s his fantasy, he can be whatever he likes!), when he heard, felt and sensed a disturbance in the Farce.
Teatime must wait, there was something a foot (yep, he would soon find out there was actually less than a foot...or hand...or torso...)
He daintily dabbed the corners of his mouth, pinky extended, covered his pot with a cosy to keep it warm, then proceeded to the Lab.
Teatime must wait, there was something a foot (yep, he would soon find out there was actually less than a foot...or hand...or torso...)
He daintily dabbed the corners of his mouth, pinky extended, covered his pot with a cosy to keep it warm, then proceeded to the Lab.
When he reached his destination, he calmly assessed the situation.
To see the horror and chaos Frankie beheld, you must unscramble the scene below (scrambled being it’s
precise condition.)
Yes, it’s a jigsaw puzzle that you must solve. Do have to I explain everything? *sigh*
(And I made it fairly easy. See how long it takes you to put it together! Yep, that was a challenge, didn't you feel the glove slap across your face? :)
To see the horror and chaos Frankie beheld, you must unscramble the scene below (scrambled being it’s
precise condition.)
Yes, it’s a jigsaw puzzle that you must solve. Do have to I explain everything? *sigh*
(And I made it fairly easy. See how long it takes you to put it together! Yep, that was a challenge, didn't you feel the glove slap across your face? :)
Since there was no longer anyone else currently at compound headquarters <(yeah, there were a few of those, but just barely, left lying about as well), he assigned himself clean-up duty (haha, I said doodie, again how thoroughly appropriate :)
He began sweeping and mopping up the bits and bobs of ‘who’, what and I dunno.
At finding a portion of his beloved ‘mathter’, Professor PP insisted he be addressed as such (heh, now he’ll have no need for ‘a(d)dress’ of any kind. Yeah, the Professor’s closet held many secrets), face lying on the table, tears began to well in his eyes. The ‘shock’ of the situation finally struck, like an arc from one of the Lab’s Tesla coils!
Who would look after him now? Who would give him his regularly scheduled lashings?
Who would.call him what the Professor referred to as endearments, such as ‘you blithering idiot’ and ‘bumbling git.’
With such woeful thoughts pressing on his addled brain, he gathered all the remains into the Lab's ‘Possibly Hazardous Biological Containment Unit’, or P.U. for short..
As the profundity of it all hit home, what would HELLdin say when she returned to find what remained of her two friends, plus guest, in the dumpster...er, the P.U.?
‘She will probably want to know what happened in detail, and maybe even blame me for this’ he mumbled under his breath, just as a light bulb went off in his head...
At finding a portion of his beloved ‘mathter’, Professor PP insisted he be addressed as such (heh, now he’ll have no need for ‘a(d)dress’ of any kind. Yeah, the Professor’s closet held many secrets), face lying on the table, tears began to well in his eyes. The ‘shock’ of the situation finally struck, like an arc from one of the Lab’s Tesla coils!
Who would look after him now? Who would give him his regularly scheduled lashings?
Who would.call him what the Professor referred to as endearments, such as ‘you blithering idiot’ and ‘bumbling git.’
With such woeful thoughts pressing on his addled brain, he gathered all the remains into the Lab's ‘Possibly Hazardous Biological Containment Unit’, or P.U. for short..
As the profundity of it all hit home, what would HELLdin say when she returned to find what remained of her two friends, plus guest, in the dumpster...er, the P.U.?
‘She will probably want to know what happened in detail, and maybe even blame me for this’ he mumbled under his breath, just as a light bulb went off in his head...
...or, was it simply a residual reaction still ‘current’ in his bolts from cleaning one of the Professor’s shiny hanging electric balls?
Whatever the cause, ‘he got an idea. An absolutely ambitiously anatomically (possibly appallingly amoral) asinine idea!
Frankie Gore got a wonderful, asinine idea!
‘I know just what to do!’ Frankie laughed in his throat.
‘I’ll gather it up, throw it into the moat!
The gator’s will eat it and that’s a fact,
She’ll never know, and that will be that!’
Whatever the cause, ‘he got an idea. An absolutely ambitiously anatomically (possibly appallingly amoral) asinine idea!
Frankie Gore got a wonderful, asinine idea!
‘I know just what to do!’ Frankie laughed in his throat.
‘I’ll gather it up, throw it into the moat!
The gator’s will eat it and that’s a fact,
She’ll never know, and that will be that!’
Pleased with his very thorough cleaning job, he giddily (or was that git-ally) ran off to hatch his plan.
(Yes, yes, a teensy bit of creative license taken from the grinch at the end, there, so what :p)
Stay tuned for even MORE of this exciting adventure...I know, you’re asking yourself ‘Can it get any more exciting than this?’ Guess you’ll just have to wait and see!
Stay tuned for even MORE of this exciting adventure...I know, you’re asking yourself ‘Can it get any more exciting than this?’ Guess you’ll just have to wait and see!
Frankie Gore returned to his room with purpose and determination.
He showered, put on his ‘thinking cap’, finished his tea,
and formulated his plan.......
He showered, put on his ‘thinking cap’, finished his tea,
and formulated his plan.......