1. Never ever go into the woods alone for any reason whatsoever!
2. Always use the buddy system...unless, of course, your buddy wandered into the woods (forest, pines, timberland, sticks...you get the idea) alone and returns acting strange and unfamiliar (see Tip #1)
3. Beware of strangers, especially ones that say things like "I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig. Weeeeeeee!" and those who are toothless, near toothless and/or wear dirty overalls or suspenders with a belt and/or has a fetus fetish (which may or may not be a majority of people) and anyone carrying an axe or very large knife unless they have some viable reason for doing so i.e. just returned from butchering a pig...weeeeee!
4. If you hear ominous music coming from no apparent source, find a safe place to hide, preferably one you will not get stuck or cornered in.
5. Avoid pet cemeteries or unusual pumpkin patches
6. Refrain from staying at campgrounds and/or resorts that might be called Lake Placid, Crystal Lake and Camp Arawak as well as the states Texas and Georgia. There may be more as well. In fact, I hear New Jersey is very weird with all it’s midget, satan worshipping, albinos and hellmouths.
7. Do not touch any wildlife (neither flora nor fauna) you may encounter. Poison. Poison. Poison. Nuff said.
8. Lights in the sky that move rapidly and erratic are not stars. Do not wish on them. If they approach, avoid first contact unless you enjoy anal probes and the like.
9. Also, if a meteor should land in the nearby woods or farm DO NOT INVESTIGATE IT and, if a large (perhaps gigantic depending on what, who or whom it has ingested or osmosisized <(yes, I made that word up) pink (colour can be questionable as I am only familiar with the pink variety) bubble-gum like globule slowly undulates towards you, RUN! (In the opposite direction, of course, duh! Fortunately, as with most zombies, mummies, amorphous blobs etc., some unlikeables move very, very slowly.)
10. Always carry garlic, a cross (or other religious item...I am not totally sure if the Star of David or the Hand of Fatima or such works, or if it is only Christian relics...this has perplexed me many times) holy water (preferably in a squirtable device...a super soaker would be excellent), silver bullets, salt, fire (most things, like zombies and frankenstein's monster, are afraid of fire, in fact set the forest on fire to be on the safe side...no, only joking, remember what Smokey the Bear says..."Only you can prevent forest fires".)
11. Bigfoot is your friend regardless of what you may or may not have seen or heard. Embrace him and make him feel welcome. If he seems a tad irate just tell him you know his friend Harry and to please not rip you limb from limb. I’m am sure he will be understanding and hugs are then in order (if your arms are still attached.)
Oh, and whatever you do, don't call him 'squatch'. He hates that. They like to be called Sir or Mister Bigfoot, sir (or Madam, obviously, depending on gender.) It is greatly advised that you do so.
12. And last but not least, avoid mayonnaise.
-Just in passing, it may be wise not to sleep or make too much noise. Actually, it would be best to just sit quietly around a campfire and softly sing Kumbaya while eating Smores...here are the lyrics, you can just sort of improvise the tune:
Kumbaya my Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Kumbaya my Lord (or the diety of your choice) , kumbaya
Kumbaya my Lord (or the diety of your choice) , kumbaya
Oh Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's singing Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's singing Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's singing Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
(Note- Shhhh...sing quietly so as not to attract unwanted things)
Oh Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's laughing, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's laughing, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's laughing, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
(Note- camping is not a laughing matter. It is extremely
serious. He who laughs last may be the only one left alive.)
Oh Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's crying, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's crying, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's crying, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
(Note- possibly the only one left alive.)
Oh Lord (or the diety of your choice) , kumbaya
Someone's praying, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's praying, Lord (or the diety of your choice) , kumbaya
Someone's praying, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
(Note- the one left alive praying he/she makes it until sun up.)
Oh Lord , (or the diety of your choice) kumbaya
Someone's sleeping, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's sleeping, Lord (or the diety of your choice) , kumbaya
Someone's sleeping, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
(Note- let’s face it, they are not "sleeping" per se
apparently he/she did not make it until morning.)
Oh Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Oh Lordy, Lord! (or the diety of your choice), kum...ba...ya!!!!!
(PS- Kumbaya means "Save me Jesus [or the diety of your choice] Save me!!!!)
PSS- Do not sing the words located in the brackets, you must insert what or whomever you worship or revere...you could even use Spiderman or the like.
Also do not sing the bracketed "Notes-". These are just comments by me and not, in reality, part of the traditional song. I am just adding my two cents worth.
2. Always use the buddy system...unless, of course, your buddy wandered into the woods (forest, pines, timberland, sticks...you get the idea) alone and returns acting strange and unfamiliar (see Tip #1)
3. Beware of strangers, especially ones that say things like "I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig. Weeeeeeee!" and those who are toothless, near toothless and/or wear dirty overalls or suspenders with a belt and/or has a fetus fetish (which may or may not be a majority of people) and anyone carrying an axe or very large knife unless they have some viable reason for doing so i.e. just returned from butchering a pig...weeeeee!
4. If you hear ominous music coming from no apparent source, find a safe place to hide, preferably one you will not get stuck or cornered in.
5. Avoid pet cemeteries or unusual pumpkin patches
6. Refrain from staying at campgrounds and/or resorts that might be called Lake Placid, Crystal Lake and Camp Arawak as well as the states Texas and Georgia. There may be more as well. In fact, I hear New Jersey is very weird with all it’s midget, satan worshipping, albinos and hellmouths.
7. Do not touch any wildlife (neither flora nor fauna) you may encounter. Poison. Poison. Poison. Nuff said.
8. Lights in the sky that move rapidly and erratic are not stars. Do not wish on them. If they approach, avoid first contact unless you enjoy anal probes and the like.
9. Also, if a meteor should land in the nearby woods or farm DO NOT INVESTIGATE IT and, if a large (perhaps gigantic depending on what, who or whom it has ingested or osmosisized <(yes, I made that word up) pink (colour can be questionable as I am only familiar with the pink variety) bubble-gum like globule slowly undulates towards you, RUN! (In the opposite direction, of course, duh! Fortunately, as with most zombies, mummies, amorphous blobs etc., some unlikeables move very, very slowly.)
10. Always carry garlic, a cross (or other religious item...I am not totally sure if the Star of David or the Hand of Fatima or such works, or if it is only Christian relics...this has perplexed me many times) holy water (preferably in a squirtable device...a super soaker would be excellent), silver bullets, salt, fire (most things, like zombies and frankenstein's monster, are afraid of fire, in fact set the forest on fire to be on the safe side...no, only joking, remember what Smokey the Bear says..."Only you can prevent forest fires".)
11. Bigfoot is your friend regardless of what you may or may not have seen or heard. Embrace him and make him feel welcome. If he seems a tad irate just tell him you know his friend Harry and to please not rip you limb from limb. I’m am sure he will be understanding and hugs are then in order (if your arms are still attached.)
Oh, and whatever you do, don't call him 'squatch'. He hates that. They like to be called Sir or Mister Bigfoot, sir (or Madam, obviously, depending on gender.) It is greatly advised that you do so.
12. And last but not least, avoid mayonnaise.
-Just in passing, it may be wise not to sleep or make too much noise. Actually, it would be best to just sit quietly around a campfire and softly sing Kumbaya while eating Smores...here are the lyrics, you can just sort of improvise the tune:
Kumbaya my Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Kumbaya my Lord (or the diety of your choice) , kumbaya
Kumbaya my Lord (or the diety of your choice) , kumbaya
Oh Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's singing Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's singing Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's singing Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
(Note- Shhhh...sing quietly so as not to attract unwanted things)
Oh Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's laughing, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's laughing, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's laughing, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
(Note- camping is not a laughing matter. It is extremely
serious. He who laughs last may be the only one left alive.)
Oh Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's crying, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's crying, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's crying, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
(Note- possibly the only one left alive.)
Oh Lord (or the diety of your choice) , kumbaya
Someone's praying, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's praying, Lord (or the diety of your choice) , kumbaya
Someone's praying, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
(Note- the one left alive praying he/she makes it until sun up.)
Oh Lord , (or the diety of your choice) kumbaya
Someone's sleeping, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Someone's sleeping, Lord (or the diety of your choice) , kumbaya
Someone's sleeping, Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
(Note- let’s face it, they are not "sleeping" per se
apparently he/she did not make it until morning.)
Oh Lord (or the diety of your choice), kumbaya
Oh Lordy, Lord! (or the diety of your choice), kum...ba...ya!!!!!
(PS- Kumbaya means "Save me Jesus [or the diety of your choice] Save me!!!!)
PSS- Do not sing the words located in the brackets, you must insert what or whomever you worship or revere...you could even use Spiderman or the like.
Also do not sing the bracketed "Notes-". These are just comments by me and not, in reality, part of the traditional song. I am just adding my two cents worth.